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It took me nine years to face my grief

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scared as hellIt took me NINE years to reach that point of exhaustion where I just said to myself “I really, really, really need to get help to finally let go of the all the pain and drama in my life”. By that time I had lost my dad, moved abroad and lost my first born daughter (in that exact order).

What would happen if I finally took charge of my emotional system? What would need to change? Who or what would I have to let go of in my life? What patterns, behaviours and thoughts would I have to change? What would I have to start doing or who would I have to start being if I got well, finally felt unstuck, started to live my purpose, quit that awful, life draining job? Who would I have to become if I let go of all the drama that defines me?

That’s a lot of scary stuff… I know, that’s why I waited for so long. But I refused to define myself as the bereaved mother, stuck in pain, guilt and sadness forever and ever. There had to be another way!

Only you will know when you have reached that crucial point when changing how you define yourself and your pain and drama is the only sustainable thing you can do in order to move forward. Why don’t you grab the opportunity and start getting clear for the new year NOW by redefining how you want to show up in the world? How you want to feel? What you want to contribute to?

There are a million-and-one techniques out there, I’m teaching ONE of them, but I encourage you to go out and investigate which one rings true to you. Only you know whats best for you.

Can broken dreams cause grief?

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Broken dreamsA lot of people react when I tell them what I work with, and most of them say “Luckily nothing terrible has happened to me yet.” or “I haven’t lost anyone close to me, but when I do I know who to call.” That’s all fine, of course, it’s not that I wish for anyone to have a traumatic experience so I can have something to do!

But what about the time you had a really bad break up with someone? Maybe that shattered not only your heart, but also the dream of you two being together, starting a family and growing old together?  Or what about the loss of a job, and hence loss of financial security and a dream of a career within that company or field? Or moving abroad (as we expats have done), not only being a big adventure, but also bringing with it the loss of familiarity, language, friends, and (often) the ability to be present at big life events such as weddings, christenings, funerals, or birthdays.

So in what way does the Grief Recovery Method® help you get rid of the pain and frustration that broken dreams brings with it? You might have been trying a number of different things to feel better again, but are tired of trying and “failing” yet another “self help” method. What could possibly be different with this Program?

For me, it’s been the simple fact that I got to take a good look at all my disappointments, losses and broken dreams in my life so far. I’ve looked at the myths I’ve been taught how to deal with loss, all the intellectual comments I’ve heard when in grief, and all the (often unconscious) behaviours I’ve been using in order to avoid facing my feelings triggered by a traumatic event (food, anger, frustration, TV…).

It’s like taking out the weeds by the roots instead of either ignoring them completely (yet knowing perfectly well that they are still there), or swearing about their presence but refusing to do anything about it!  For me, it was a clear and logical step-by-step action plan that finally quietened a majority of my extremely limiting “Why’s?”, “What if’s” and “If only’s”. I say majority, because the job never gets completely done. I would be lying if I said that you would be living happily ever after just by working through this Program.

But your you will have a brand new set of extremely helpful tools to help you handle major life events. You will have taken back the responsibility how you let those events affect you, and therefore you get to decide how to feel and what kind of support you need. I was so good at giving away the power over my own emotions to others, but now I ask myself this question when faced with a situation that triggers all these scary emotions: “To who or what do I give the power to control how I feel in this very moment, and why?”, and that is something I did not do before!

So if you want to know more about me, what the Grief Recovery Method® is, and if it is for you at all(!), please feel free to book a Discovery Session with me either in person or via Skype/Zoom!

Karin Andersson Hagelin

 

 

Much Love, Karin

 

WHY I do what I do

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There are so many ways to pitch your business… But what would happen if I started telling people WHY I’m really in the business I’m in, from the heart? 

That question struck me as I was thinking of sending yet another “sales pitch” mail to all the networks I’m in. Do I want to sound like the current “Newsletter trend” or do I want it to come from the heart? When is it actually OK to speak from the heart without following all the sales pitch rules and formats? Are people going to find me weird if I do?

There is only one way to find out I guess, and that’s putting it to the test!

So WHY I’m in this business of Grief Recovery?

When we lost our firstborn daughter it dawned on me how little help there was for us as parents. We had received excellent medical care for our child, but when she had left us and all the medical equipment had been collected we were standing there with an empty crib, diapers, baby clothes, toys and all the rest of it that comes along with a baby. We now had to arrange all the practical details like organising the funeral, tombstone, documents for flying back to Sweden with an urn, insurance, medical bills having to be clarified etc etc etc.

Having to deal with all of that while in a state of chock and grief was mind boggling. There was no real list of support options presented to us, and I had to muster the energy to look for help myself.

I immediately signed myself up as support parent at the Children’s hospital and the palliative home care team here in Zürich to at least give other parents with the same diagnosis a chance to contact a fellow parent. But what about all the other people being stuck in loss and grief? How could I be there for fellow expats experiencing loss, living far away form their natural support system of family, friends, language and familiarity?

That’s when I decided to do the certification to become a Grief Recovery Specialist. I now work with my passion to help others getting unstuck, feel less alone in their grief and have someone listening to their story. I wake up every day feeling so blessed to be able to do this kind of work, and that our daughter taught me so much about life, death and all the things in between. Like my coach Edson Williams said yesterday, “Karin flipped the script from a bereaved parent to using the loss as an inspiration to help others.” That really warmed my heart.

So that’s WHY I’m doing what I’m doing! I just can’t stand the fact that so many are stuck and limited by their unresolved grief, and if I can just help a handfull of these people it’s worth it! And I just have to trust that the people needing my help will find me, in one way or another. Have a great weekend and start of February!

change

My next step, a certification course at the Grief Recovery Institute in Stockholm

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So I’ve had a couple of moths asking myself over and over again “How may I serve?”, and as soon as I gave in and said to myself that I can’t be doing less than offer help and support to other human beings suffering from unresolved grief things started to shift in a BIG way! People, books, videos and ideas literally started dropping at my feet as if the Universe tried to get me to understand that I had found my path.

So later this month (September 2012) I will go to Stockholm and attend a certification course on how to assist others through grieving processes. I’m so excited and happy to have taken this step, even if it’s scaring the crap out of me at the same time. This means that I have to work though my own unresolved grief before I can help others which is a daunting thought, so wish me luck!!

Much love, Karin

“I have a big sister and her name is Ingrid”

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We have managed to shock quite a few people during our holiday in Sweden this year. The reason being that Elin is now big enough to share her world with people she meets (and that are not immediate family or friends), and she proudly tells everone that she has got a big sister who is called Ingrid.

Many then look at me as if asking “Is she making this up?” and I then find myself smiling a bit apologeticly for having to “shock” them with the news that it’s true and that Ingrid is in heaven. Then there is a short pause and maybe an “oh” or “I understand”and that’s it. I’m not saying that it’s wrong, hurtful or even irritating, it just is what it is.

I have to get used to my children speaking freely about the fact that they do have a big sister in heaven. And I have to make sure that I can support them with words and stories in order to help them tell others about their reality. Ingrid is so present in our lives and that is how we wanted it to be, no secrets and no hiding the fact because her younger sister and brother are too small to hear the truth.

So if anyone out there knows of a good book for children who has a sibling in heaven, and that is POSITIVE and FUN, please share, also so I can share it on to other families in similar situations!!! Thanks and have a fantastic day!

                                    Elin and Victor planting flowers for Ingrid <3

The weird wonders of vision boards!

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I lerarnt about vision boards when I first med Edson Williams (leadbyexample.com) as I attended his workshop “Access to Success” in November 2010. So I decided to give it a go last year, with this result:

There was a lot about changing carreer and work on reaching my dreams, but also a picutre of Lilou Macé (liloumace.com), a web TV host who travels around the world interviewing just about any person she finds interesting! What a cool thing to do! And there are a lot of famous names on her interview list so go check her out on YouTube (liloumace).

Next week, on the 5th of July, I’m going to have lunch with Lilou in Stockholm!!!! I mean, how cool is that?! She is one of my role models right now regarding living the dream and her interviews has brought me to where I am today in a way. A lot of people she’s beein interviewing has helped me personally, and also helped me help others. I’ve bought tons of books, I’ve forwarded and posted hundreds of her interview links and I keep on following her progress.

This year’s vision board hosts a lot of head lines from a Magazine given out by Carolina Gårdheim at Kreativ Insikt in Stockholm (kreativinsikt.se), like “Find your own Life Artist”, “Creative Insight” and their Vision as it was so nicely written. I’ve now brought Lilou and Carolina togheter, Lilou will interview Carolina after our lunch together and I’m there as the glue! I just can’t believe that all of this is happening!

I’ll report back to you when that meeting has taken place 🙂  Until then I really urge you all to sit down and map your dreams, visions and goals by getting a stack of amgazines, a glue stick and a fairly big piece of paper in front of you and get creative!

Or if you feel that you don’t have space to put it somewhere, use a photo album that you can a) do smaller, themed vision boards in abd b) put away after you have looked at it for the day 🙂

Signing off and flying to Sweden on Monday!

 

How we dealt with the terminal diagnosis of our baby daughter

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This post is mostly for you that might be in the same situation that we were in 5 years ago. I just want to say, although you honestly don’t think you are going to survive – I mean, how can you when your child dies – you do survive! Somehow you do.

We decided on creating this “fairy tale” about Ingrid being a very old soul that only needed a huge boost of unconditional love to rise to the next level, and that we had to respect Ingrid’s life journey. She had chosen us as her parents because she counted on the support and unconditional love she needed to survive as long as she could. The diagnosis was what it was and we couldn’t change that, so we might as well do the very very best we could, and I’m SURE that every parent would. For us it was pointless to start asking “Why us?”, “Why her?” etc. You are never ever going to get a satisfying answer.

The hardest part was that we felt so alone, abroad without our relatives and close friends close by for support (however, a lot of new, beautiful people stepped up and helped us!!). That we just got sent home after getting the diagnosis, without a follow up plan or support system in place made me feel so lost and helpless.

We found ourselves standing outside on the pavement outside the hospital in a dark, wintery Zürich, not knowing if what just had happened was was real or not. It all felt so surreal. I just wish that there had been someone there to offer us a big hug or hold our hand for comfort, but there was no such person. So after Ingrid had passed away, I swore that no one should have to feel that lost and lonely so I volunteered as support family both with Kinderspital Zürich and Kinderspitex (home care unit for palliative care at home) in case anyone else would get the same diagnosis and asking for support. I received a phone call from Kinderspitex last week again, and although it brings back very raw memories, there is no way I’m going to step away from that responsibility.

So here is my offer: if you have just gotten the same, shitty diagnosis SMA type 1, and you are “Googling” (as we did) after what on earth just smashed your life in to tiny tiny pieces, PLEASE contact me! I’m here, I can listen, I can take it!

Lots of love, Karin

The post I’ve been scared of writing

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I just watched one of the latest videos by my friend Niall at Disrupting the Rabblement (go check his site out, it rocks!!) where he is calling bullshit on on your invulnerable self. It’s basically writing/telling about the stuff that you are scared of writing about, that makes you vulnerable and that means opening up with the true story even if it makes you feel insecure.

So here is one of the posts that I’ve been holding back with and that I now feel the need to write. Firstly because it might just help someone in some weird and wonderful way and secondly to put things in perspective for myself. Because what I do now is also scary. It’s scary to decide not to go back to the corporate world, it’s scary to start something new and see what the reactions from others will be, if any at all. But as you shall see, there is “scary” and “scary”. First I thought about doing this as a video, but it’s now after midnight and the whole family is sleeping! There will be other opportunities to talk about this in videos later on, I’m sure.

It’s about the scariest thing that has happened to me to date. The date was the 15th of December 2006 and we had been called back to the Children’s Hospital here in Zürich to get the results from the tests made on our first born daughter Ingrid, three months old. I can recall that I had even dressed more “hip” than normal as a protection I guess, because bad things don’t happen to “hip” people, right?

We were called in to see two doctors and one of them started telling us that Ingrid had been diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy type 1, a genetic disease. She went on to tell us that those children rarely live much longer than 8 months. By this time I’m sitting with Ingrid in my arms, rocking her and myself, whispering to all three of us “this is not happening, it’s not true” like a mantra, over and over and over again. They then gave us a list with phone numbers in case we wanted to get help in any way and then we were sent back home with our terminally ill baby girl.

This story changed our lives, and it has given me the strength to go out and find my life purpose. There are no coincidences in the Universe and I believe that Ingrid came to show me that I can do more with my life than hang around in a 9-5 job. What I do now, I do thanks to her and thanks to her sister and brother. I need to pull more strength from that story in order to help and inspire others, and telling it like it is is necessary in order to do that. I just can’t let what we went through, and survived, go to waste behind a desk in an investment bank.