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I remember… A poem to my Angel daughter on Mother’s Day

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I remember the first day I could spot you on your cloud.

You were watering the plants, yellow and purple flowers, and as you poured the water and giggled, a light rain started to fall outside my window.

I was so thrilled to finally have found you again after all the dark clouds of grief had finally passed by and left a clear blue sky for me to enjoy.

We promised to continue growing our family so that you would have siblings, and we kept our promise. You now have a little sister and a little brother, and we love telling them stories about what you and grandpa Dagge are doing up in heaven.

When it snows, we tell stories about how you throw snowballs at each other, and on us as well, because we know how much you love to play!

When the wind blows, we tell stories about how you are drying your angel wings, that got wet when you went for a swim.

When the thunder scares your little brother, we tell stories about how you and the other little angels are having a Bobbycar race up in the sky, with the rainbow acting as the race track.

When the sun shines, we tell stories about how you are playing with a mirror, sending us beams of light and love. Playing with the light on our walls and ceilings, and your siblings are laughing as they try to catch the beam.

When the autumn comes, we tell stories about how you and the fairies are painting all the leaves in the most amazing, radiant colours.

And when the spring finally arrives after a long, dark winter, we tell stories about how you and the fairies arrange for all the flowers, trees and animals to come alive again.

How I love those stories, and how I love keeping you with us through them.

With love,

Mum

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“Are you not going to have a 3rd child?”

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It’s time to let off some steam… As more and more of our friends are going the “third child” route I find myself overwhelmed with all those horrible thought and feelings that are so tabu to talk about.

First of all, we HAVE a third child already and our number three is called Victor. The next time someone asks why we don’t want to have a third (generally someone I only know from the play ground) I’m going to SCREAM! Second, IT’S SO F**ING UNFAIR that we don’t have all three children with us physically to stop all those who wonders why we don’t want to have a third. And third, I went through THREE pregnancies, THREEx8 months with sleepless nights, THREEx8 months of diaper changing, feeding, weighing, playing, singing, cuddling, loving… and I need to get that straight once and for all, most importantly in my OWN head because I don’t feel like I have the evidence that we have a third.

I confess, whenever I hear about yet another “third child” I cringe and feel this big wave of sadness. It’s no ones intention, it’s no ones “doing”, it just is what it is and I’m responsible for these feelings. Even if we would have liked another kid I just can’t bear the thought of going through a 4th nerve wrecking 11 weeks of pregnancy, then the genetic test, and if it has SMA we need to go through an abortion and try again.

So please, for all of you who tells me the good news that a third is on it’s way, I’m really happy for you, I truly am, but also bare with me if I act a bit weird afterwards, I’m working on it. Just needed to vent.

Ingrid 5 years

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Today we are celebrating our angel Ingrid’s 5th birthday. Elin is all excited and she wants to send a cake and balloons up to heaven, because Ingrid likes balloons she says. Elin speaks a lot about her big sister, “Mommy, when Ingrid is done having her angel wings, she can come down and play, right? I will lend her all my dresses.” It’s so very cute and I have to laugh every time at her wise thoughts about life. But it also hurts so much when I have to tell her that angel wings don’t go away, once you have them you keep them forever. I miss her so much and I so wish that she was here and played with her siblings, but maybe she is anyway, in her own way?

We have a neighbour kid that was born 11 days after Ingrid, we were walking around with our big bellies together, pushing our buggies together, and one day I had to tell the mom that Ingrid was not going to be with us for a lot longer. Now her boy just started Kindergarten, and he’s so big already! I know it wasn’t Ingrid’s plan but I can’t help wondering how she would have looked like, what she would have been like, what she would have liked and disliked….

I miss you my little angel. Much love from mommy <3