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Will it ever get better?

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2007_04_18_5It’s “that day” again this week. The 14th of May. The day that will forever be marked as the day Ingrid died. We call it her Angel Day, the day she got her wings back again.

That day used to be blacker than black. I would take the day off work because I knew I would be useless in the office that day. I would be spending the day crying and feeling that huge, empty hole in my heart.

All the details of that morning of the 14th of May 2007 were crystal clear, as if they were frozen into a snap shot of pain and grief in my memory and in my physical body.

I thought it would have to be that way for the rest of my life. Because how could it ever NOT be painful to remember that day?

But it’s NOT painful anymore.

The day is filled with memories, but the difference now is that it’s not physically painful to think about it. I don’t have to re-live that day as if it was happening all over again (as in the movie Groundhog Day).

Today we celebrate the 14th of May as if it would be a birthday. In a way it is, Ingrid’s Angel Day. The day she became a little angel and guide in our lives instead of being here in physical form. Her siblings pick a cake, get the balloons out and we celebrate that she is still in our lives in her own, special way.

I sometimes have a hard time understanding how I’ve managed to turn the loss of my child in to my biggest strength, but I have. I’ve done it because I got access to tools an people that could help me through and guide me towards healing my heart. For that I’m truly grateful.

 

 

“Are you not going to have a 3rd child?”

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It’s time to let off some steam… As more and more of our friends are going the “third child” route I find myself overwhelmed with all those horrible thought and feelings that are so tabu to talk about.

First of all, we HAVE a third child already and our number three is called Victor. The next time someone asks why we don’t want to have a third (generally someone I only know from the play ground) I’m going to SCREAM! Second, IT’S SO F**ING UNFAIR that we don’t have all three children with us physically to stop all those who wonders why we don’t want to have a third. And third, I went through THREE pregnancies, THREEx8 months with sleepless nights, THREEx8 months of diaper changing, feeding, weighing, playing, singing, cuddling, loving… and I need to get that straight once and for all, most importantly in my OWN head because I don’t feel like I have the evidence that we have a third.

I confess, whenever I hear about yet another “third child” I cringe and feel this big wave of sadness. It’s no ones intention, it’s no ones “doing”, it just is what it is and I’m responsible for these feelings. Even if we would have liked another kid I just can’t bear the thought of going through a 4th nerve wrecking 11 weeks of pregnancy, then the genetic test, and if it has SMA we need to go through an abortion and try again.

So please, for all of you who tells me the good news that a third is on it’s way, I’m really happy for you, I truly am, but also bare with me if I act a bit weird afterwards, I’m working on it. Just needed to vent.

Ingrid 5 years

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Today we are celebrating our angel Ingrid’s 5th birthday. Elin is all excited and she wants to send a cake and balloons up to heaven, because Ingrid likes balloons she says. Elin speaks a lot about her big sister, “Mommy, when Ingrid is done having her angel wings, she can come down and play, right? I will lend her all my dresses.” It’s so very cute and I have to laugh every time at her wise thoughts about life. But it also hurts so much when I have to tell her that angel wings don’t go away, once you have them you keep them forever. I miss her so much and I so wish that she was here and played with her siblings, but maybe she is anyway, in her own way?

We have a neighbour kid that was born 11 days after Ingrid, we were walking around with our big bellies together, pushing our buggies together, and one day I had to tell the mom that Ingrid was not going to be with us for a lot longer. Now her boy just started Kindergarten, and he’s so big already! I know it wasn’t Ingrid’s plan but I can’t help wondering how she would have looked like, what she would have been like, what she would have liked and disliked….

I miss you my little angel. Much love from mommy <3