The loss of hopes and dreams

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Swiss MountainsOn the 14th of May 2007 I did not only loose my child, I also lost all the hopes and dreams that I had painted up in my mind while she was growing in my belly.

To finally be a little family. To see her develop and grow. To experience her first tooth, her first birthday, her first steps, her first words, her first day of school, our family holidays. To see her experience and learn about the world. To see what her path would be in life and to be there to cheer her on, comfort her, encourage her and see her grow up to be an adult. To love her unconditionally.

All of that was also lost, and all of that I finally had the opportunity to express as I wrote her a letter. It made all the difference, so there is hope, people! You CAN survive, and you can even be happy again. I’m the perfect example.

“Our little angel is going to leave us”

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This is a blog post I wrote on the Swedish Forum  Familjeliv.se on January 26, 2007:

Ingrid Eva Linnéa“On 18 September 2006 our little angle was born. She was perfect and we were so happy to have got such a pretty girl. At the 2-month check up the paediatrician discovered that she had wasn’t moving the way she should be, and we were referred to Children’s Hospital for further check-ups. On the 15th of December we were given the nightmare diagnosis that our little girl had spinal muscular atrophy type 1, and that most of these children die before the age of 1 year. So now we are sitting here waiting for the inevitable, that her muscles will become weaker and weaker. That she will no longer be able to eat by herself, and finally not being able to breathe any longer. HOW on Earth will I be able to handle this?? Is there someone who has something helpful to say? We are trying to be brave for her sake, but our hearts are right now breaking from all the grief. ”

If you know someone in a similar situation, please send them my link. It’s not about me, it’s about all those desperate parents that I might be able to offer a glimmer of hope. THANKS!

It took me nine years to face my grief

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scared as hellIt took me NINE years to reach that point of exhaustion where I just said to myself “I really, really, really need to get help to finally let go of the all the pain and drama in my life”. By that time I had lost my dad, moved abroad and lost my first born daughter (in that exact order).

What would happen if I finally took charge of my emotional system? What would need to change? Who or what would I have to let go of in my life? What patterns, behaviours and thoughts would I have to change? What would I have to start doing or who would I have to start being if I got well, finally felt unstuck, started to live my purpose, quit that awful, life draining job? Who would I have to become if I let go of all the drama that defines me?

That’s a lot of scary stuff… I know, that’s why I waited for so long. But I refused to define myself as the bereaved mother, stuck in pain, guilt and sadness forever and ever. There had to be another way!

Only you will know when you have reached that crucial point when changing how you define yourself and your pain and drama is the only sustainable thing you can do in order to move forward. Why don’t you grab the opportunity and start getting clear for the new year NOW by redefining how you want to show up in the world? How you want to feel? What you want to contribute to?

There are a million-and-one techniques out there, I’m teaching ONE of them, but I encourage you to go out and investigate which one rings true to you. Only you know whats best for you.