I’m on thin ice here because I haven’t gone through a divorce myself, and I don’t want to pretend I know anything about how it is. I really want to be clear on that as I want to be authentic. However, I’ve just witnessed the devastation, grief and overwhelm that close friends and family have gone through due to divorce or separation, so I know that I have to write this post to honour you who are out there, not knowing how to survive and cope after a divorce, that I do know that there is a way to heal your heart again.
“Divorce is said to be one of the most profoundly painful experiences that a human being can survive. It’s often tied to a profound fear that the pain will never end. It’s been compared to the stages of death because the experience is often one of not only losing your marriage, but also, yourself. It reaches out and changes not only the couple, but also the children, family, friends, business associates, and overall community that make up the interwoven support system of the couple.” Debra Warner, MF, MFT www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife
It is different for everyone and you can never, ever compare losses or situations in your life with someone else’s, but none the less it is a tremendous loss to get divorced. Usually there is so much going on around a divorce like selling the home, dividing the belongings, agree on financial settlements, explain to friends and family, losing the daily contact with your children, and a heap of other legal and practical stuff. There is simply no time or energy left to grieve!
There is tremendous tension, pain and sadness from both parts (yes, also from the one that took the initiative) and a lot of hurtful words are thrown around. Words that can take years, if ever, to heal from. Words cause havoc in your emotional system without leaving physical marks, and they are stored in our only piece of hardware you have in this life, your body. And hurtful actions. Actions that you would never have taken if you weren’t hurting so badly, actions which can never be taken back, actions that cause consequences that you couldn’t in your wildest dreams have foreseen. It’s an evil circle of hurting and blaming, and no one leaves as a winner.
So what is there to be done?
– What do you do when we have broken our leg?
– You go to the doctor or Emergency Room!
– What do you do if you want to get fit and strong?
– You hire a Personal Trainer or join a gym!
– What do you do when you want to change career or start a business?
– You hire a career coach.
– What do you do when your life and your heart get smashed to pieces?
Many do nothing. We sit and wait for time to heal our wounds; We stay strong for the people we love; We fill our diaries to the brim not to have to face sitting alone with our pain and sadness; We grieve alone and pretend that everything is fine so we don’t have to show our vulnerability; We replace the loss by finding a new partner before we are done healing the old, causing the new relationship to break down before it had a fighting chance.
What if there was help to get during a rough patch? An emotional support person that could walk by your side, listen without judging and guide you through all the emotional up’s and down’s? What if there was a way to get more resilient when it comes to grief and loss?
I don’t want to make this blog post into a sales pitch but I want you to consider the following:
- reading the book Moving on by John W. James and Russell Friedman
- find out if there is a divorce support group in your area
- watch this video using EFT tapping to let go of the past
You can also book a first assessment meeting with me for FREE on Skype to find out more about the Grief Recovery Method and how I can help and support you. I have witnessed the results of clients that have gone through a divorce and I so want you to know that there is a way to get emotional support and to heal your heart again. It’s all about breaking the patterns of the past, heal and let go of old relationships and free up space and energy to invite new, loving relationships both with yourself, friends and partners.
Warm wishes, Karin